


Loki is a Very Good matchmaker

by biscuitlevitation



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (only at the very end), Crack, Genderbending, Loki ships thundershield, M/M, Shipper on Deck, loki is kind of a melodramatic idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4232193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biscuitlevitation/pseuds/biscuitlevitation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki realizes that Thor has found his soulmate. Clearly he needs his guidance and Infinite Wisdom in order not to fuck it up in his usual Thor-ish fashion. Luckily for him, he's in good hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loki is a Very Good matchmaker

**Author's Note:**

> De-anon from the kink meme. This is bad, I know, but I decided that I'd post it to tide you guys over until I actually update something.

It starts innocently, for a given value of “innocence.” He has no other motive than the complete subjugation of humanity – in many ways, a simpler goal to achieve.

“Loki!” his oaf of a br – _enemy_ shouts. “We must end this! This quarrel is no concern of Midgard!”

“Isn't it always?” Loki sneers, in Thor's general direction. (The golden horns make a statement, but they aren't the best when it comes to visibility. Loki is considering a fashionable beret, instead.)

Thor launches into a long-winded speech about brotherhood and humility, and Loki, having heard similar monologues thousands of times, fires a bolt of Tesseract-blue power at his stupid cascading locks, intending to burn them all off.

The red-white-and-blue man that his brother is so fond of throws himself in front of him in an unnecessarily heroic fashion, and the impact on his silly little shield drives the two of them through the wall of the bank behind them.

 _Perhaps that was a little too forceful,_ Loki thinks, but quells the pinprick of guilt before it surfaces.

They climb to their feet, shoulder to shoulder, resplendent in their foolhardy bravery, even covered in blood and grime. They send identical glares at Loki, as though daring him to try to harm the other. 

And then it flits through his mind, there and gone in an instant: _They certainly make a striking pair._

-

Several more schemes for world domination/revenge/whatever it is he's after these days come and go, each thwarted by the Captain, Thor, and their band of warriors. Each time, he gets more and more distracted, until it is consuming him:

They are _perfect_ for one another.

Thor has always been reckless, but the Captain manages to reign him in and direct him effectively, while still acknowledging his military skill and experience. Thor obeys his every order. (It is no small feat for a mortal to earn the respect and loyalty of an Asguardian king, but their _trust_? It is unheard of.) The Captain bristles whenever any try to protect or aid him, except for Thor, who does it without harming his pride, used to navigating the strict honor codes of Asguardian warriors, codes that the Captain adheres to just as stringently. Thor calls him “shield brother,” an honor only ever before bestowed on the Warriors Three. 

Loki feels the urgent need to kill something, or perhaps scream into a pillow. Either would help with the roiling emotion he feels whenever they so much as look at one another.

It all becomes far too much to handle when the Captain _wields Mjolnir._

Loki thinks he has him incapacitated, with Rogers' brightly colored eyesore of a shield stuck to a large magnet that he had brought along expressly for this purpose. He does not strike, only walks toward him menacingly as he gropes for a makeshift weapon. Loki half-hopes that Thor will come to the Captain's rescue, but incapacitating him and getting to see an anguished, last-minute declaration of love would be just as good.

“Steven!” Thor roars. Loki can hear his disgusting soppy feelings from here. He _loves_ it.

And then the idiot throws his hammer right at the Captain's head. 

“That is not how you are supposed to court someone,” Loki hisses, and tries to magic his future brother-in-law out of harm's way, but then he. He catches it.

Loki is going to die _why are they so perfect –_

Rogers smirks, obviously misinterpreting his dumbfounded expression, and swings.

The rest of the altercation is a blur, as his horns had gotten tangled in his brother's cape and then the green ogre had paid him a visit, but all Loki cares about is that Thor has found his soul mate and will undoubtedly ruin it somehow if someone doesn't intervene.

-

In the following days, Loki's anxiety eats away at him. There are an infinite number of things Thor can and probably will do to end any chance at a relationship with the Captain, and Loki has to find some way to foil _every single one of them_. (He's not invested at all, he's just bored. Clearly.)

By his next confrontation with the Avengers (sans helmet, sadly), it is clear that his idiot brother and his soul mate have made absolutely no progress in their relationship whatsoever. They still fight together well, but there are no long gazes at each other, no declarations of love, not even a poorly-timed erection! (And even _he_ became a little aroused when the Captain's pants did what they had been threatening to do for months and split at the seams. He's quite proud of that bit of spell work, if he does say so himself.)

Unfortunately, Iron Man is far more vocal about his appreciation.

“Damn, Cap,” he says, and whistles. It sounds subtly wrong through the filter of his suit. “You need an ass-guardian? Cause I'll volunteer.”

Rogers turns pink. Loki sees red.

He is staring Stark's mask in the face before he's wholly aware of what he's doing. “ _You dare,_ ” he hisses, and gropes for words that will put the fear of the gods in this impertinent hussy. Frost creeps from the corners of his mouth and draws patterns on his armor. “Do not ever speak that way about my brother's homeland, much less with the intention of impugning upon the purity of his destined conso – ”

He is struck by a meteor of muscles and blond hair before he can continue. He strikes out at it with his spear, cursing his inopportune fit of rage, but stops short at the words that it is saying.

“You called me brother!” Thor says, lifting Loki off his feet in a demeaning (and slightly painful) embrace. “You defended our home, and you called me brother!”

Loki stiffens, unsure of what to do, and then he sees Steven Rogers, still pantsless, smiling as brightly as his soon-to-be betrothed. His selfless joy for his soul mate sets him on edge.

“ _You_!” Loki screams, giving Thor a mighty shove. “You absolute imbecile! Are you so blind to Freyja's machinations?”

Thor blinks, taken aback, and then his face hardens. “I know not of what you speak, brother, but I will not suffer your insults – ”

Loki shrieks like the Nidhogg, his beret falling into his eyes with the force of his fury. “Your chosen, your soul mate, is still mortal and you have not yet proposed?! You must wed as soon as possible and feed him one of the golden apples and spawn _millions of children_ – ”

“What are you talking about?”

“The Captain, of course! He completes you and yet you are too much of a fool to see it!” Loki is aware that he is embarrassing himself. He also does not care.

“Loki, our wedding is in a month, have some patience.”

“YOU MUST PROPOSE AT ONCE OR I WILL BLIGHT YOUR PRECIOUS MIDGARD WITH A MILLION PLAGUES. . . ah. Would you repeat that, please?”

Thor shakes his head exasperatedly. His teammates appear to be dazed. Obviously their puny mortal minds cannot handle such refined discussion.

“We are to be wed in a month, brother. And neither of us are capable of bearing children,” Thor points out.

“Ah. Obviously you neglected to inform me,” Loki sniffs, and straightens his hat. “Worry not, I will rectify that second problem. Congratulations on your impending nuptials.” He favors his dumbstruck brother-in-law with a nod, gives Thor a clap on the shoulder, and vanishes.

-

Thor wakes up the next morning with breasts and a heavily pregnant belly. Steve is _livid._


End file.
